Evening Gown

First, The Rant:

90% of “ball gowns” in shops in this town are absolute bloody rubbish.

Almost everything I see in stores here seems to be made for school balls or strippers. If I had a dollar for every shiny-shiny, polyester, halter-neck, plunging, sequinned, backless, bumless, see-through, WAG-inspired, excessively-ruched monstrosity in this town, I would have enough to ring Mr. Armani and ask for something one-off.

You all know the type of stuff I’m talking about. Yeeeerrrrrccchhhhh….

Apart from embarrassingly poor taste, one thing is that most of these overpriced synthetic skank-scraps have in common is the absence of any type of sleeve. If your arms aren’t your best feature, sleevelessness is not on. Piss-farting around with a wrap all evening is also not going to work, so don’t even think about it. And when a dress does happen to have sleeves, the sleeves seem to exert some sort of irresistable, magical force on the dressmaker, such that they cannot help but create some horror that screams “discount 80’s bridesmaid!”

An elegant, interesting, tasteful evening gown is obviously a very difficult thing to make, and obviously not very popular.

And I’m not talking about cocktail dresses. I don’t give a rat’s what some people think, “black tie” and “cocktail” are two different things, and Black Tie means an evening gown. Full length. The Real Deal. No pissing about.

Now, the Rationale:

I think the search for an evening gown is going to be never-ending for me :-( I might have to design something of my own. The closest thing I’ve seen which could have been OK was a silk Carla Zampatti number, but it was sold out in my size and is no longer available:

A lovely woman called Suzie Wilkes wears an equally lovely Carla Zampatti gown.

Yes, Nina. A real, proper evening gown is an absolute must-have. I just need to find one, maybe like the one above, or this Erdem one below?

Edited to add: Have recently seen some lovely gowns in Lisa Ho, but they're not quite what I'm looking for. Still bloody nice, though.

Espadrilles

OK, let me say straight up that while I am open to conversion, I am not a huuuuge fan of espadrilles. I know folks who barely take them off in the summer months and find them indispensible, but I’ve never been a fan of their clunkiness and floppiness and flat-soledness. I don’t like my footwear clunky and floppy and flat-soled. I seem to recall a lot of sprained ankles in the 70s.

Right now, I’m wearing a pair of very neat Teva Venturas. They are not High Fashion, but they are replacing my faithful Rockports, which finally died after 9 years excellent service. Like the Rockports, the Tevas fit me really well, and look good on my feet, funky not frumpy. They are comfortable and soft and light. They won’t take me from the beach to cocktails by the pool and they don’t look good in jeans, but they will take me all over the Cinque Terre, through Rome and Florence in summer, around Balinese marketplaces, through national parks, across town on a shopping spree, to barbecues and picnics, on and off boats, and down to and from the beach.

I’m happy for anyone to point me to where I might find some comfortable, stylish espadrilles which won’t cripple me, but in the meantime, walking sandals will go where espadrilles fear to tread. Bon voyage!

ETA: Bought espadrilles, red wedge heels. Have not worn once. They're gone.

Eighteen Month Rule

This is not one of Nina’s essentials, but this has been a wardrobe essential for me for quite a few years now. The rule is:

If I haven’t worn it even once in 18 months, it goes.

12 months is too short a time. 2 years is too long, and I probably wouldn’t remember, anyway. 18 months is kind of nice middle ground.

Recently, I’ve been browsing through the “Who What Wear” book by Katherine Power and Hillary Kerr (see WhoWhatWear.com). I was interested to see that they also advocate the 18 month rule!

This rule means that the items I have

• Fit
• Still suit me
• Are in good condition
• Keep up with any changes in style I’ve made

The only only only exceptions are collectables and special “occasion” pieces such as a silk sequinned Dinnigan cardigan, a tuxedo, that sort of thing. And sometimes even these are not immune.

I don’t have a stack of vintage Comme des Garçons or Valentino, or an inherited stash of Chanel, so this rule isn’t going to clear me out of coveted designer pieces.

What the 18 month rule provides a measuring stick against the relevance of the item you’re holding up in front of you, considering whether you’ll ever wear it again.

Again, a certain ruthlessness and clear-headedness is necessary. There’s not much room for sentimentality. I wouldn’t do it with a glass of champagne in my hand, nor would I let my friends get involved unless I thought I wasn’t up to it.

A good time to apply the rule is at the change of seasons, such as when you start packing away your heavier winter stuff and heavy knits and start bringing out the shorts and sandals. You’ll have a good idea if that start-of-season buy actually got used, and you’ll have had enough of a break from your stored clothes to be able to look at them a little more objectively.

If you have ample wardrobe space and don’t ever pack away seasonal clothes, you should seriously think about trying it. It clears everything up, protects clothes from pests when you’re not using them, and helps you get organised, making it much, much easier to find what you’re looking for. Go on, try it. You’ll thank me :-)

Driving Shoes

Recently, a woman tried to blame her speeding on her high heels.

Well, nice try, hon’, but perhaps you needed a pair of driving shoes. Nina’s driving shoe is basically a light loafer, and part of what she calls “WASP-chic.”

Meh. I’m not so into it. I’m neither a WASP nor a Schumacher. I’m sure that driving shoes are comfortable and colourful and all, but those moccasinny types of shoes aren’t my style and always seem to be very narrow and low-arched, never fitting my feet.

When I go to “slip on” a shoe, it’s often something from Camper, like a low-heeled slip-on mule or an elastic-topped flat.

I think I can safely – on the road and off – leave driving shoes out of my One Hundred.

Discontinued

Should we have an entry for Discontinued? Let’s. It’s not in Nina’s One Hundred but it’s certainly in mine, and given that I’ve not adopted all Nina’s One Hundred, it seems only right that I should insert a couple of new things... even if, technically, they might not exist (now, there’s something for your Zen meditation).

It seems to be an incontravertible Law of the Universe that anything discontinued is certain to be The Best, Most Perfect Thing Ever. This law applies to sunglasses, red lipstick, shoes, t-shirts, jeans, undies, kitchen utensils, icecreams (Woe! Woe am I since the death of the Hazelnut Roll! (BOO to Nestlé!!!) ) and favourite childhood sweets.

If you find something that is the Best, Most Perfect Thing Ever, buy multiples. It’s the old “heir and spare” idea, and it’s worth keeping in mind. Stores seem to cycle their stock so incredibly quickly these days, you often have no time to hesitate. The thing is sure to be discontinued when you’re not looking. No sooner have the stores stocked for spring than the spring stuff is old and then on sale and in the outlets and the summer stuff is in and then out faster than you can blink. Don’t even wait for your Perfect Things to go on sale, although if they were on sale it would be a sure bonus and a Sign from the Universe that you shouldn’t ignore.

I have 4 pairs of a discontinued style of jeans in my wardrobe as proof.

Diamond Studs

“Best when large, real and received as a gift. But large, fake and self-purchased do the job, too.”

Amen to that.

However, I’d probably be too terrified to wear the real deal all the time, especially after my hairdresser pointed to a crack in the floorboards by my feet and said that there were at least a couple of carats down there. I prefer wearing good-quality CZ and silver crystal versions, set in silver or gold. Good, but not insurance-worthy.

Diamond studs go anywhere, with anything, and having an assortment of different shapes and sizes to choose from is also pretty handy. These definitely make my One Hundred, absolutely no argument.

Denim Jacket

Just as a pair of jeans can make a tuxedo jacket turn hip and edgy, a denim jacket can make a pair of basic sharp black trousers relax. I have a lovely, fitted, classic design worn dark blue jacket from Marcs that I’ve had for years. It just gets better and softer with age, too.

Nina thinks that the denim should be either very dark or very worn. What you’re supposed to do in the time between very dark and very worn is anyone’s guess. She also thinks that it should be very fitted or a size too small, and that’s fine if you don’t have to use your arms. I think the only tricks to buying a denim jacket are the following:

1. Style – classic or deconstructed or minimalist, just make sure it’s consistent with the rest of your stuff.
2. Size – if you’re only going to wear it with t-shirts you can go for your “true” size, but if you think you’re going to want to wear knits under it, you’ll probably want to go up a size.

And, while rules are made to be broken, I reckon denim-on-denim – of any colour - is still a no-no. It just looks wrong. I’m sure Chloe Sevigny has done it, and it probably still looked wrong on her, too, and that woman could wear a hessian sack and make it look cool. Just say no.

Cuffs

Nina, Nina, Nina! Please! We don’t always agree, but when we do, you send me broke!!!

Since Nina introduced me to the exquisite wonders of Coco Chanel’s Verdura Maltese Cross jewel-encrusted cuffs, I’ve been on a bit of a cuff binge. Here are some I’ve acquired over the past few months.

Purchases, I might add, which are all Nina’s fault.

Cuffs can be delicate and glittery or chunky and architectural, classic or contemporary, subtle or outlandish. I’m trying to grab a bit of everything!

Cuffs DO work for me, adding drama and a bit of style to otherwise ordinary outfits.

The place where cuffs don’t work so well is in offices when I have to spend a lot of time at keyboards. They can be pretty noisy clattering against desks. If I insist on wearing them, I take them off at the computer, and put them on again at lunch or after work. It’s a bit of mucking about, but still worth it!

And I’m STILL lusting after Kenneth Jay Lane’s tributes to Mme. Chanel’s cuffs.

Oh, and this one:

Dammit.

Cowboy Boots

Nina might as well have listed “ugg boots”. I love a Cuban heel as much as the next girl, but cowboy boots have never, and will never, be a wardrobe staple for me. They hold no appeal to me whatsoever. To me, they look a bit silly stomping around the suburbs. They always look too big for their wearer if worn with a skirt. If you are a cowboy or spend time on farms, by all means wear them, or your pull-on Blundies or RM Williams’. If you’re not, then it’s a bit like the biker jacket – be careful that you’re not playing fashion-victim dress-ups, rather than dressing in a way that is authentically you.

I can’t think of what I’d substitute for cowboy boots in my One Hundred. I already have ankle boots, and they do me fine. Maybe my Camper Spiral boots?

Cosmetics Bag

Is this really a fashion must-have? I suppose, given that I just about always have one with me. Nina does admit that it’s “insignificant”, however, and that it’s what’s on the inside that matters, rather than the bag itself. Nina shares her bag’s contents with us, and reading it is just like rifling through someone’s bag, each item triggers a little comment in my head. La Roche Posay sunscreen (oh, absolutely, wouldn’t be without it), Kiehl’s lip balm (I use Natio’s SPF30 stuff)… Tweezerman tweezers (there’s a good idea) … Oh, crikey, Maybelline Great Lash mascara, for real? That stuff isn’t good …

Anyway, what I find odd is that there is no lipstick in her bag, even though red lipstick features in her One Hundred. There is ALWAYS lipstick in my cos purse. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but the contents of mine currently are:

• La Roche Posay Fluide Extreme SPF50 sunscreen
• Natio SPF30 lip balm
• Travalo atomiser filled with Marc Jacobs perfume (if you don’t have at least one of these things, you really, really should check them out)
• Becca Sheer Tint Lip Colour (lipstick) in Vendela
• Kai roll-on perfume
• Aspirin
• Mini bottle of Dettol hand sanitizer
• Shu Uemura Drawing Pencil eyeliner in ME Brown
• Ear plugs
• Single-dose eyedrops
• A bandaid
• Becca Beach Tint in Watermelon
• Oil-blotting paper
• Becca concealer

That does seems like a lot, but everything is small and fits into the little zip-up bag I got years ago from Aesop easily. Do you have any cos bag essentials?

Converse

The plimsoll or sandshoe style of shoe with a canvas upper and rubber sole is a basic and a classic. To me, it doesn’t matter if they’re Converse or Vans (and Nina lists both in her One Hundred) or Keds or Bodens or Dunlop Volleys. These sorts of sneakers will see you just about everywhere you don’t need heels.

Personally, I like Dunlop Volleys. They are a basic, basic shoe, are cheap enough to destroy without crying about it (and, after all, I AM the Despair of Shoes), they can be washed by throwing them in the washing machine, the white ones can be “customised” by colouring them in with whatever design you like, they’re bringing out printed and patent versions, and they’re just about everywhere. Their tread is also pretty impressive – finely zigzagged, it has a grip like a gorilla. If you are so inclined, you can walk across zincalume roofs with no fear of slipping. For that same reason, they’re also pretty handy on boats.

One tip for buying Volleys: in the classic Volley (not the Gelato line), the women’s sizes typically come in bright pink trim. If you don’t want pink (and I haven’t worn bright pink since I was 3 years old), I really haven’t found any difference in the last (or fit) of the shoe between men’s, women’s or youths’. The “youth” Volleys come in blue trim, and are about half the price of the women’s. You just need to figure out your size. Win-win!

EDIT: Volleys have hit NYC!

And just for fun:

Cocktail Ring

One ring to rule them all… Yes, if you have a big, flash cocktail ring, you don’t have to wear much other jewellery. Hulking chunks of bling on your hand make your fingers and hands look smaller and more delicate (a lesson from male transvestites!), and their colour and light and raise a basic cocktail dress to another level.

Nina also points out that “faking it is fine”, and it sure is, but just make sure it’s a good quality fake. It doesn’t need to look real, but it shouldn't look like plastic, either. There are a lot of costume cocktail rings out there which look like they came out of Christmas crackers.

Mimco do some lovely things, but I wish they’d introduce a little more colour.

It’s better to go for a semi-precious gemstone like quartz or onyx, or do a little cubic zirconia, than to think that an acrylic copy is going to cut the mustard. Decent stones are not hard to find. You’re sure to find silver and gemstone rings at local markets. Swarovski always do some spectacular silver crystal designs, colourful, sparkly and BIG! I’m currently lusting after their Nirvana rings, in just about any colour.

WANT.

Clutch

Yes, a clutch is indispensible. I found myself on holiday recently having forgotten to pack one, and it meant having to buy a generic, silver satin one I really didn’t need long-term.

I’ve just recently (today!) successfully hunted down my lemming of an large clutch with removal straps, decorated with enough detail or with enough interest of texture to stand on its own as embellishment. While I would loved Mulberry’s Ava clutch. I couldn’t justify the expense right now. Plus, this one was only $40, is in a faux suede-like fabric to which I can pin brooches and ribbons, and is from a lovely local shop called Gioia.

The tassel and the chain are removable.

This isn’t just a case of being a fashion victim. I think for me, an oversized clutch will look much better than my usual overstuffed purse. Those teeny tiny little evening bags are pretty baubles, and pretty useless. Keys, credit card, cash, lipstick, glasses, compact, tissues, mobile phone and pen are essentials. Where is there room for these things in a 12cm evening bag? Yes, I’ve crammed everything into those little, satiny, delicately-beaded things, only to have them end up looking like mis-shapen glittery lumps in my hand, bursting at the seams. If the assumption is that we have pockets, then the bag designers really need to have a sit down and a chat with evening wear designers (if they are the same people, well, heaven help them). If the assumption is that there is a bloke around with pockets, they need to think again as well. If the assumption is that my ladies-in-waiting will carry all this for me, well, bless, but the ladies seem to be absent. I’m convinced that large and luxe is the way to go.

In my hunt, I found lots of pythony-patterned clutches, but I’m not so into those. I also found some nice examples from Trent Nathan and Jag, but they were a bit too “business” for what I needed. Zu Shoes had some nice ones, I and still might give these a second look. No harm in looking, is there?