Bikini

Ah, heeeere we go.

No, no, NO! Swimwear is for everyone! Bikinis are not! Regardless of your “size”*, there is a cossie out there for you. It may or may not be a bikini. It’s not important. For what it’s worth, I’ve seen bikinis look fantastic on people both tiny and large, and in each case I think the common feature of their figures was reasonably defined waist. Not slim hips or a flat stomach or small boobs or long legs or defined shoulders. If, like me, your waist is not so well-defined, it may be that a bikini will make you look shaped less like Ursula Andress and more like an overstuffed Christmas bonbon. This look consistutes a Fail, because it’s impractical, looks uncomfortable and IS uncomfortable. The only way I look good in a bikini is if I’m wearing a wetsuit over it.

But, look, even if you don’t have a well-defined waist and you still look good in a bikini and you love it - go for it, and more power to you. Rock that two-piece and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Me, I wear tankinis and one-pieces. I like one-piece togs because they don’t fall off or slip or bubble out and they resist moving about when I swim or peel off my wetsuit (although, friends of mine don’t seem to have the same problem!). Yes, I actually swim in swimwear. It’s not all lounging by the pool sipping cocktails (although I do think there should be much, much more of that). It’s more about diving into in-coming waves to avoid a dumping, swimming out past the break, peeling off the rashie or wetsuit, splashing out to waterfalls in national parks. Swimwear that’s a bit like undies doesn’t work for me. I like tankinis because they are generally very comfortable, forgiving and functional.

If I ever lose a good 6kg and a good 15cm off my waist, I might try a bikini.

Then again, I might not.

* Pffftt… “size”. Just what is a “size”? Labelled sizes are a nonsense. In my wardrobe, I have everything from a US2 to an Aussie “Large”. And in every case it’s complete and utter bollocks. Meaningless. We all know the mind-games labels like to play with their sizing (yes, Country Road, I’m talking about YOU). The tape measure may not always flatter, but it doesn’t bloody lie, either. From now on I resolve to use the term “measurements”. Harrumph.